Chris Talks: Always On-line?

Do we want a world of gaming where a person is perpetually synced to the wobbly jelly of the internet, receiving downloads and patch updates seamlessly, able to dive into any gaming scenario flawlessly? Well yeah I guess, that sounds fine and dandy, send off the minions at once and make it so. Number one. Engage. Wait captain, I’m detecting a potential pressure activated knee grazing trap, that if triggered may swallow you whole and give you a nasty graze on one, nay, both of your knees! 


This guy knows what I mean…

Not the knees! So a console that needs to be connected to the internet 100% of the time for it to function at its maximum. Or shall we say, the way God intended and the reason you paid the amount you did. Before you’ve even stuffed it full of gaming goodness. Connect it to the internet. The first hurdle on this unforgiving horse race course: is your internet good enough, does your community believe in the internet strongly enough to pass a petition to have it upgraded? Leading to potential patio disputes and ‘I-don’t-want-my-front-lawn-dug-up’ scenarios. If the answer is no it’s not good enough and yes my patio is important, you’re dead in the water and best get that money back quick sharpish. Like an aquatic quick sharp thing that’s conscious of spending it’s money.

I don’t care about your lawn! So you are up and running, system updates are go, the settings are tweaked, game data ready, username ButtKissMyFistsCheemOfSlough10101 is surprisingly available. Time to begin a new road of reclusiveness (but it’s super HD!), I’ll give you 3 days. Then a chap at the back pipes up;

“For what Chuck“, he says.

“Before you go mad” I say.

“Go mad at what Chuck?” he says.

“At the machine!”, I say.

“What machine Chuck?” he says.

“The mach… The Machine in front of you! With the patio and everything!?” I shout.

“What Chuck?” he says.

“Who are you anyway? And who’s Chuck?” I say.

“I was just walking past and you said I have three days and that i’m a Patio, and you said your name was Chuck.” he says.

“Never mind” I say.

“But what about that machine…’ he says.

“Shut up old man, this does not concern you!” I say.

This is what you will be driven to, a conversation with a passing old man with yourself. After three days of internet interruption and server crashes, your game completion will jump from 0% to a stunning 2.1% and you’ll need something to do to pass the time restating your game perpetually. On the bright side it will be fully updated and Facebook no doubt will be keeping you and your ‘friends’ informed on your performance efforts.


An old man passing by…

So what about Chuck? Well, I do hear on various vines lined with various fruits (which I believe to be grapes), that it doesn’t always have to be on-line. Some say it works without it. OK, so I can still play my games, that’s cool. However, that’s like being OK playing with a ball and cup, when everyone else is playing a console that has a perpetual internet connection offering all the good things God originally promised. Which incidentally, is the exclusive domain of those city living lovey’s, with their homes made from sycamore owls feeding themselves on lifetime supplies of Mr Whippy ice cream. At this stage it’s a hard sell for me, like a Fritzl themed family restaurant, I’m not sure if it’s going to take off; and if it does half the population will miss out on everything they have to offer.


One response to “Chris Talks: Always On-line?

  1. Pingback: News Update- (Week of 22/04/13) | NoSenseGamers·

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